I am a sapling.
I've been moved about from bitter soil to unfertile soil so often that now that I've been placed in good soil, my planters still fear for me. Love and attention, water and good sun isn't enough. The rest depends on whether I am strong enough, whether my energy has been burned out, whether my soul still wants to sing as I reach towards the sky.
I am nothing more than a sapling.

Time time of year has always been hard for me.
Being a child of fire, the cold seasons always make me feel old and haggard. I'm wondering if I've gotten better, or if I had gotten better at fooling myself into thinking that I'm better. I am wondering if I'm strong enough for this.

I chose to go without antidepressants, but I can't help but feel that there is something out there that could help me. Still, I'm reaching for the sun, even though I can't see it. I'm trying. I AM stronger than I was years ago, and I stronger than I was a few weeks ago, each day helps me move forward and away from painful memories and a past full of needless hurt. Still the echos of their thoughts, and ghosts of their memories still reside inside my soul. Will THAT ever be completely healed?

I'm not good at asking for help, but I am asking right now. Warm thoughts, prayers and light sent my way would be greatly appreciated.
I'm feeling very old today.

I'm finding it hard to be bright today.
This weekend has been heard on my soul. I lost a lot of confidence, a lot of self assurance and a lot of the set ideas I had about myself and the world coming into this relationship. Rebuilding them, gaining wisdom and the strength to hold on to happiness has been hard.
Today I don't feel very strong, I'm finding it hard to see past my own thunderclouds, and I wonder if anyone else goes through what I am now.

It takes effort to be positive 'today'. In today's world, today's mindframe, today's economy, etc. Knowing all this, I still think that people who surround themselves with the negative (including negative people) want to be unhappy. Its a lot easier than it seems, and emotions are really an expression of your own perception of how things are.

I didn't sleep much last night, but my co-workers at the office noticed that I was feeling a little under the weather. They inquired to how I felt, if I was alright, and if I wanted to go home early to rest up. Even though I'm listless and just a bit tired, the fact that I am noticed makes me feel more significant in the scheme of things than I have in a long while. It is a good feeling.

It is up to us to make our own happiness. The world will give you nothing if you do not seek. As my husband says, "A closed mouth doesn't get fed."

And as I say, "Ask and you will recieve."

Today, my goal is to look for the positive in everything.

I am good.
I am strong.
I will not allow my doubt to cause my will to deteriorate.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am great!

I believe in trusting in the ability of my mind and my beliefs, allowing them to bring me to the realization of my goals and dreams.

I am alive.
I am healthy.
I have a wonderful, doting and loving husband that encourages me to be the best I can be.
I have a job that allows me to support both of us during his immigration processing.
I have his family that offers the type of bond, family, and friendship I can not have with my biological family.
Where it matters, I have friends.
I have no enemies.
I have no disabilities.
I am free to live life, without spectacular hindrances.
I am thankful for all the little things I usually take for granted.

I spent a lot of my life being negative about things that I could probably change, and things I couldn't change. My health deteriorated, I started smoking, had several bad relationships, and etc.
Here's for a change of heart. I'm tired of being negative.